Broken Hallelujah

One can learn so many lessons over time. The opportunity to reflect is an underrated blessing. Several years have passed since my heartbreak with Christopher. For most of those years, I didn’t laugh at what happened. I couldn’t because I just didn’t understand it. What was the point of the pain? Why did I meet him, love him, and prepare for the marriage I surely believed God was showing me? I learned some heavy truths in that season of my life, many of which I've shared here. But I still felt as if I had been blindsided and largely unprotected at a key moment in my faith walk. Why and how had I been so badly deceived?

Whereas God Showed Me My My Future Husband, But I Was Wrong was the conclusion, consider this blog the epilogue. Believe it or not, it has taken me months to sit down and write these words. The realizations I’m about to share did not come easily, and I’ve written through a stream of tears to get my thoughts out. Despite the hardships, God strengthened me. 

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

God is merciful, loving, and patient. He wants His children to gain a better understanding of Him. Sometimes, in His grace, He is willing to answer our questions, even when He doesn’t owe us an explanation. So, I brought my broken and confused self before the Lord to ask my questions, and in His unconditional love, He spoke to me and gave me His answer. So, take a deep breath with me as I explore it.

It’s not a secret that Christopher and I’s friendship happened many years ago. At that time in my life, I was in the midst of a significant transition. Like many people in their early twenties, challenges were starting to arise that I had never faced before. Not only were they new, but they were of the type that truly tested my character. I thought I was a great test-taker. After all, my college grades reflected as much. But for the first time in what felt like a long time, I completely failed those tests. 

Growing up, I tried to be a respectful child. I said my “Yes ma’ams” and “no ma’ams,” “please and thank you’s,” and generally avoided mischievous behavior. I wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t problematic. Never had I ever anticipated going through the rough season I experienced shortly before becoming friends with Christopher. 

Years ago, I faced real growing pains in my relationship with my mother, and in my immaturity, I lashed out. There were times when I intentionally said hurtful things to her because I was angry. There were times when I refused to show gratitude. Out of respect for my mother, I won’t go into detail about our issues, but I will take accountability for my actions. There were many ways in which I disrespected her, and for the most part, I felt justified in my behavior.

Deliverance Ministry

“And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ…” Ephesians 4:11-12. 

	The five-fold ministry is an exquisite aspect of Christianity. The above verses identify five areas in which God assigns His people to till the ground of the church: 

1. Apostle
2. Prophet
3. Evangelist
4. Pastor
5. Teacher

If you grew up in the church or if you have ever visited different ministries, you may have noticed that some churches emphasize certain ministry folds. Some churches may have a large apostolic leadership, where the focus is on building and executing an overall plan or vision. Others may have prophets left and right, proclaiming the words of the Lord. Those areas of ministry, in particular, have excelled in recent decades.

	In my opinion, teaching ministries have flown under the radar. Teachers can be very underappreciated in general and in the church, yet their work and giftings are just as foundational as the other folds of ministry. Since the rise of online ministries within the last few years, exposure to the five-fold has become more visible, including teachers. 

	As I’ve spent time learning more about the faith, I was introduced to deliverance ministries. The overarching goal of deliverance ministry is to set people free from the spiritual ailments that plague the soul of a believer. This includes deliverance from demonic entities and unclean spirits. 

“When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons…” Luke 9:1.

	Jesus empowered his disciples to deliver the people from demons and demonic activity. Through the Holy Spirit, we are empowered to do the same today. In my youth, I had little exposure to deliverance ministries. There were only a few times when someone from my church mentioned demonic influences or when I witnessed a deliverance take place. Even still, I didn’t understand it because no one taught me about it. However, when the veil finally lifted, I saw a whole new side of what it means to walk in God-given authority. 

If you read The Jezebel Male, then you know of my experience dealing with a demonic entity known as the Jezebel Spirit. As it turns out, that wasn’t the only demonic influence I was fighting. 

“Once when we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a female slave who had a spirit by which she predicted the future. She earned a great deal of money for her owners by fortune-telling. She followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, “These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved.” She kept this up for many days. Finally Paul became so annoyed that he turned around and said to the spirit, “In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!” At that moment the spirit left her.” Acts 16:16-18.

Teachers and deliverance ministers often refer to these verses when teaching on the Spirit of Divination, or the Python Spirit.* Among other things, this demon specializes in mimicking the voice of the Holy Spirit. Instead of leading you deeper into the revelation of Christ, this false holy spirit causes a person to be confused and misguides someone into thinking that God is speaking a message when He is not. It’ll misuse scripture, dreams, thoughts, sermons, and other forms of messaging to throw you off track. Oftentimes, the spirit sets the scene for the Jezebel Spirit.

It is important to recognize how this spirit attacks. Likewise, we must also understand how this spirit gains access to a believer. Deliverance teacher Tiffany Buckner explains that the Python Spirit finds its way into a believer’s life through dishonor. In this prideful culture of ours, it is unsurprising that dishonor opens the door to demonic influences, yet it often goes unacknowledged in the church.

At the time, I knew nothing about the Python Spirit. All I knew was that our friendship made sense. The word I received from “God” about our future marriage made sense. The plentiful and constant confirmations made sense. Yet after our friendship ended, Christopher and I didn’t reconcile, nor did we get married. After investing so much faith, the roadblock between us didn’t make sense, which begged the unanswered question… how did it happen? Until it was no longer a question… remember my disrespectful behavior towards my mother? After years of crying and feeling ridiculous for my intense emotions for Christopher, I finally remembered. Then it made perfect sense, and I began to see the flickers of light in the tunnel of my healing.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’” Ephesians 6:1-3.

God doesn’t like it when children disrespect their parents, even when they’re older. Despite my familiarity with these scriptures, I learned that the hard way. When I disrespected my mother, I made myself spiritually vulnerable. That open door of dishonor allowed the Python Spirit to attack my soul through the lie that Christopher and I would get married one day. As I accepted that falsity, my shield of faith became a target for the enemy.

Python and Witchcraft

	There’s a fine pipeline between the Python Spirit and the spirit of Witchcraft. Whereas divination thrives on lies and wrongly derived information, witchcraft expresses itself through manipulation and control. When we don’t fully trust God, sometimes we try to be Him. When we subscribe to the wrong doctrine or belief, it’s tempting to create our own outcome apart from His will. That’s where divination partners with witchcraft: the Python Spirit wrongly spreads information through a false pretension, and the Witchcraft Spirit influences us to act on that information. A clear example of witchcraft is trying to overcome the free will of another. 

	When I fell in love with Christopher, I didn’t understand this distinction, nor did I realize that even the simplest of acts could qualify as a form of witchcraft. I prayed a lot for the marriage to happen. As time went on, words of manipulation seeped their way into my prayers, yet I called it faith. 

“God, I pray that Christopher comes back to me, just like the prodigal son returned to his father.”

“Lord, I thank You that You’ve called Christopher and me to marriage. I pray You teach him how to be a wonderful husband to me.”

“Lord, I pray that when he leaves his current girlfriend, he’ll be ready and excited to love me as his wife.”

	On the outskirts, these prayers don’t imply anything bad. However, Christopher wasn’t pursuing me, and he hadn’t given me a reason to think that he would. I prayed these prayers out of faith for what I thought God was showing me. Now, I can discern that these prayers were attempts to override Christopher’s free will and influence God to influence him to come back to me. Once I came into the knowledge of the manipulation, I had to repent for those prayers.

After years of limping through this season, God revealed the “how” of the deception... but why? Even with the open door, why had God allowed Christopher to break my heart? Since I believed in the marriage promise with every ounce of confidence I could muster, I intentionally prepared to be Christopher’s wife. After all, preparation is an act of faith. I read the books. I watched the sermons. I meditated on the scriptures. I prayed about it almost daily for months, then eventually, years. Although my faith was misplaced in the wrong result, God honored the time I spent seeking a word from Him. Indeed, He blessed me with much-needed revelation. However, what I thought would be a beautifully soft peak through the window of marriage turned out to be a too-close-for-comfortable look in the mirror of my truth.   

“You’re selfish. You’re prideful. You don’t like to submit to your authority. You’re spoiled. You’re inconsiderate. You’re entitled.” 

Ouch. These truths hit me one by one. Each one was ugly and difficult to admit. Once the reflections became obvious, I wanted better for myself and Christopher. For that reason, I figured, “Now that God has shown me the areas I need to work on, I can mature so that I’ll be ready for when He calls us to marriage,” and I felt God respond to me with “Start now.”

Normally, I would have thought that this type of revelation would come in real time, perhaps while dating or in a relationship, so that I could learn to love the person I hoped to build my life with. I didn’t have that with Christoper. Yet, that didn’t deter me from finding a solution. Interestingly enough, the answer to my problem was as clear as the challenges I faced: start with the people already in my life. I had bosses, church leaders, and others with whom I could practice submission to become the new and improved version of myself. As I pondered this, I decided to start with the one person who truly deserved to see this change from me... my mother. 

When I started to work on these character flaws, it dawned on me that the parallels between my mother and Christoper ran closely together. More specifically, they acted alike when they got upset and handled conflict similarly. That realization was both comical and motivating. If I could learn to humble myself before my mother, consider her feelings, and improve my communication skills, then I would eventually be able to do the same with Christoper.

So, I tried it. I stopped prioritizing the way I viewed respect and traded it for how my mother did. Astoundingly, it didn’t take long for her to embrace this new change in me, and just as quickly as she did, she extended forgiveness. That led to the sunniest of days after the rainstorm of hardships we had experienced. This improvement in our mother-daughter relationship gave us a fresh start, and we’ve been enjoying it ever since.

As you now know, the healing I experienced with my mother didn’t translate into healing with Christopher, much less a marriage. For a long time, I felt as if my hard work in loving him didn’t pay off. It took a tremendous amount of effort to believe in the marriage promise, so stepping into the reality that he wasn’t the one felt like failing the biggest test I had been given. However, I’ll tell you what my effort did yield: the path of reconciliation with my mother. 

“For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.” Hebrews 12:6-11.

As I considered this, Hebrews 12:6-11 began to usher in a sense of wisdom, understanding, and resolve. Christopher. He wasn’t just my dream man, my best friend, and the catalyst for a difficult heartbreak. He was my judgment for the way I disrespected my mother. Trying to love him taught me how to truly love my mother. That is the purpose of God’s judgment: it corrects our issues and redirects us onto the path of righteousness. When we can't anticipate God’s correction, it can be easy to assume that we’re exempt from it. Our feelings and rationalizations can lead us to believe that God sees things our way when, in actuality, His word outweighs all of our justifications. In His love, God still corrects.

Sanctification

	The process of becoming more like Jesus Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit. 

“Consecrate yourselves, therefore, and be holy; for I am the LORD your God. Keep my statutes, and do them; I am the LORD who sanctifies you” Leviticus 20:7-8. 

Jehovah M'Kaddesh: "The Lord who sanctifies" or "The Lord who makes holy."

If I had known then what I know now, I would have fought every temptation to hurt my mother. The fleeting moments of fleshly pleasure and self-gratification simply weren’t worth the struggles I faced in my season of correction. I can’t go back in time and change my decisions. I can only make better ones going forward. This is what the sanctification process looks like. For that reason, I try not to despise the trials and tribulations. I try not to remember Christopher as nothing more than a vessel for the hurt I felt. Instead, I offer a broken Hallelujah. This Hallelujah comes from years of pain, confusion, and rejection. It comes from the rupture of my immature habits and mindset. It comes from humility. So, it is my broken Hallelujah. It is also my strongest Hallelujah. 

I want to take a moment to sincerely thank everyone who has taken an interest in my testimony and encouraged me along the way. Your support has not gone unnoticed, and all the glory goes to Christ. My story is real, along with the emotional ups and downs that came with the experience. Now, I laugh at some parts, like when I saved Christopher’s name in my phone as “2 Corinthians 5:7.” Other parts still cause me to pause and pray for renewed forgiveness. I’ve shared my story with the hopes that it helps someone better their relationship with God. I hope my testimony increases your wisdom, so that you may avoid the same stumbling blocks that impacted me.

Since I shared my last blog, some readers have been curious about the aftermath of my journey. Did Christopher ever get married? Have I found a love interest in another man? Of course, I want to respect Christopher’s privacy and maintain some of my own. With that being said, I understand the curiosity, so I’ll briefly answer those questions.

Christopher is now married, and I am still single. I don’t share these updates with shame, embarrassment, bitterness, or even frustration. Rather, I give them in amazement at how much God’s plan can differ from our own, yet we can still embrace the life He has for us when we surrender to His will.

“Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” Psalm 37:4. 

I have grown to love this verse. When it first caught my attention years ago, I looked up the original Hebrew text and discovered much beauty behind the words. “Delight” in Hebrew is ânag, which means to be “soft or pliable.” When we delight ourselves in the Lord, we make ourselves soft towards Him so that He may shape us according to His purposes. From there, He gives us the desires of our hearts. As I studied this verse, I realized that it isn’t necessarily about God giving us the things that we want in its most obvious sense. Rather, He gives us what to want. He places desires that align with His will in our hearts, so that we ultimately want what He wants for us. In replacing our will for His, we enter a state of embracing and becoming who we were truly designed to be, despite the trials and tribulations of life. 

From this understanding came a prayer: “God, give me my desires for Christopher.” I no longer wanted what I wanted. Instead, I just wanted my heart’s desires to reflect God’s plan for me as it relates to Christopher. So, I prayed. And then it happened. After years of grieving over him, I finally stopped wanting to marry Christoper and started embracing the prospect of a future where I’m grateful that I did not become his wife. I surrendered. As a result, God blessed me with peace that I couldn’t have imagined for myself. Hallelujah.

I am at peace with this chapter of my story, and I’m all the more joyous about the present. In reading, I hope that you’ve walked away with something helpful, whether it be a more thorough understanding of God’s character, a prayer point, a light-hearted laugh, or comfort in realizing that you are not alone in your journey in Christ. As we move on to the next chapter of our lives, may we embrace the thought that the journey of spiritual growth, whether easy or difficult, is worth each and every season. 

Loving as I surrender, 

Shay L’Amour

*The Greek Word for divination is “Puthon.” According to Thayer Lexicon, in Greek mythology, this referred to the name of the Pythian serpent or dragon that dwelt in the region of Pytho at the foot of Parnassus in Phocis, and was said to have guarded the oracle at Delphi and been slain by Apollo. Thus, the spirit of divination is often referred to as the Python spirit. Signs of this spirit include a weakened prayer life and less motivation to pursue God.