At the beginning of this journey, I never thought that this would be the outcome of my story. I had pictured the beauty of my testimony and how it would cause tears to flow at our future wedding. I even figured that such a story could be heard and inquired of by some of the most well-known pastors and leaders in ministry, and he and I would unashamedly testify to the world about how God turned our unlikely relationship path into a message of unconditional love, faith, and reconciliation. And even if none of that happened, we would be encouraged within our household and prepared to instill those values into our children, sealed with the reality that God had indeed brought us together.
In all of that imagining, I certainly didn’t leave room for this. Yet, by the grace of God, I’m strong enough to share my story now and to do so gratefully. Lately, I have noticed a trend of many young Christian women standing in faith to marry those whom they believe God has shown them for marriage, only to not end up with the men they had been fervently praying for. As you read, I’ll ask this of you… be gracious. Not only to me, but to every Christian trying to grow in faith, making mistakes, learning the lessons, and continuing to walk with God despite the disappointments and hardships. It’s okay to be wrong sometimes.
Let’s go back to January 2020. During that cold winter month, I stumbled into one of the most beautiful friendships I have ever experienced. For the purposes of this blog and privacy reasons, I’ll refer to him as “Chris” because he had a Christian-like name. Chris appeared to be a man of God. Every single day, we talked, laughed, and immersed ourselves in quality conversations. We had a rare type of connection, one that I hadn’t come close to in many years. On one cold winter night, I was warmed to the brim when he told me that I was his best friend. I grew giddy and confident, thinking that the feeling was mutual. He was also a good-looking young man. With that added to the mixture, it’s no surprise that I quickly took a liking to him. The more we talked, the more I bonded with him. Over time, my feelings grew deeper. I had always thought that calling someone the “man of my dreams” was cliché, but in all honesty… he was the perfect depiction of what I wanted in a spouse. As this became more apparent to me, I started to wonder, could he be my spouse?
Fall 2015
During my freshman year of college, I met a handsome young Christian man through an Instagram DM. He loved God, as evidenced by his Instagram feed, and he sure knew how to work Him into a conversation. At the time, I hadn’t met any boy who showed such a degree of interest in the Lord. I wondered if he was the real thing... but he wasn’t. Right before my feelings took a path of their own, my sister gave me a piece of advice that I still use to this day: “Pray and ask God to reveal if He brought this man into your life, and if He didn’t, then ask God to remove him.” Well, I did just that and within one week, God showed me very clearly that he was faking, and his goal was to manipulate. I walked away having learned the importance of prayer while vetting potential suitors. As I felt myself falling for my new crush, I knew that prayer was going to be every bit as important then as it was before. So, I prayed. Over and over again, I sat before God and talked to Him about Chris, and to the best of my ability, I tried to be objective. From the time we first met over a year prior, I told God that if He showed me Chris wasn’t the one for me, then I would let him go without a fight. When I first prayed for him, almost instantly, I received what I took to be a confirmation from God. Before I go into detail, let’s look at the story of Gideon.
The Sign of the Fleece
“So Gideon said to God, ‘If You will save Israel by my hand as You have said— look, I shall put a fleece of wool on the threshing floor; if there is dew on the fleece only, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said.’ And it was so. When he rose early the next morning and squeezed the fleece together, he wrung the dew out of the fleece, a bowlful of water. Then Gideon said to God, ‘Do not be angry with me, but let me speak just once more: Let me test, I pray, just once more with the fleece; let it now be dry only on the fleece, but on all the ground let there be dew.’ And God did so that night. It was dry on the fleece only, but there was dew on all the ground.”Judges 6:36-40.
The verses above describe an exchange between Gideon and God. Gideon was a judge in ancient Israel, and when tasked with gathering the Israelite troops for battle, he questioned whether or not he had heard from God correctly. As a result, he asked God for a sign and even after receiving what he prayed for, he asked God for another sign. Graciously, God gave him both signs that he prayed for, so Gideon moved forward to defeat the Midianites.
As I meditated on these verses, I was comforted by how God answered Gideon through signs. I thought to myself, "If God would do it for Gideon, then why not me?". Following Gideon’s lead, I prayed for a sign. I wanted to know if God had chosen Chris to be my husband. Towards the beginning, I asked God to allow specific things to happen if he and I were meant to be together. In particular, I asked for signs that I did not think were likely to happen! This was not my first prayer for signs about a man. From my previous experiences, I typically wouldn’t receive my requested signs and I had no reason to think that it would be different this time around. As I prepared for the anticipated disappointment, there seemed to be a light emerging at the end of the tunnel. Unlike the previous times, God seemed to actively answer every sign that I had prayed for!
Fall 2017
One night, I decided to grab dinner with my hilarious and thoughtful sister-in-Christ. In the midst of our girl-talk, the conversation turned to men, and she offered me a piece of advice: Create a list of the qualities you want in a husband. It seemed like a task worth trying, so I began to craft a list of what I was looking for in a husband. As can be expected, my list started with the basics. But as I spent more time with God and reading the Bible, the qualities on my list began to develop and change, revealing a certain type of Godly young man. As time went on, I continued to add details to the list that reflected my heart’s desire. I met Chris after about a year of collecting attributes. In the beginning, we spent only a short phase of time getting to know each other. In seeing just a handful of his personality, I realized that some of his characteristics didn’t quite align with my list. That bred doubt.
We eventually moved on and continued to live our lives apart from each other until reconnecting over a year later. After spending so much time apart, I basically had to re-meet him! Over the next month, we talked all day, every day. It was apparent to me that so much had transpired since we first met. This time around, he was more open. Then I remembered my list. As I began to analyze the desires that I had accumulated over the years, I realized something very significant… a few of those missing qualities were no longer missing! I marveled at the seeming reality that over the time spent away from each other, he had more than just grown… he was growing into the very man that I had been praying for. This unexpected turn of events was even more astounding because I never would have imagined it for myself, and I began to adore the love story that I believed was unfolding before my eyes. Instantly, I took it as a confirmation that God was bringing us together for marriage.
And I was overwhelmed with joy! I couldn’t believe not only that God had chosen such a beautiful man for me, but that He had also told me in advance. The happiness stemmed from more than what looked like a long-awaited response to my desire for marriage. It also came from my growing confidence that my efforts to spend time with God had indeed led to greater discernment.
From there, I went into prayer mode. As I relaxed in the hope that my marriage was closer than ever, I prayed countless times that God would do what He said and bless our soon-to-be union. I thanked the Lord for what He was bringing together through us. Incorporating scripture into my prayers became even more of a habit. With each day, I repeated familiar verses with the hopes that it would give our marriage a strong foundation.
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33.
The Bible says to seek the kingdom of God first. With all of my prayers, the one thing I failed to do was pray that God reveal whether the initial "confirmation" I received was from Him. By skipping that step and asking God to bless what I hoped would be the right relationship, I had already begun to invest my time, emotions, and faith into someone who ultimately was not for me. Even as I’m writing this now, I’m noticing something for the first time: “and his righteousness.” Oftentimes when I’ve read this scripture, I’ve stopped right after the first part. Now that I’m taking the time to walk through it, I can sense the extra revelation there for the taking: If God is leading you into a relationship, it will be based on righteousness.
The prayers for further confirmation began to take over my prayer life. Previously, I had many faith-building moments with God, all of which had gotten me to a point where I felt like I had really built up some rapport with God. But this one felt different. Momentous even. Although I wouldn’t suggest asking for particular signs now, Matthew 16:4, I certainly placed that at the forefront of my journey, and the strangest thing happened… I received them. Every time.
Test the Spirit
Should I have taken Pastor Michael Todd’s advice from his 2020 Relationship Reloaded series and ripped up my list? I don’t know. But I do know that I failed to properly “test the spirit.”
“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” 1 John 4:1.
Essentially, “testing the spirit” means to seek God for the origins of a message to determine whether it actually came from Him, the enemy, or your own heart. Of course, any message not from God is not a message that any believer should want to follow or be influenced by. In the scripture above, Apostle St. John warned about false prophets who would speak deception in the name of the Lord. Alongside his teachings, Apostle Paul encouraged new believers to also test the spirits and further cautioned that some false apostles sought to disguise themselves as true apostles of Christ.
“For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.” 2 Corinthians 11:13-15.
These verses leave no question that false spirits exist and are purposed by Satan to spread lies within the church. Although these verses highlight deception in the church through leadership, Satan, being the father of lies, will take an opportunity to use falsity to create an imbalance in the personal life of everyone. John 8:44. This is specifically why it’s important to “test the spirit” whenever there’s a belief that God is speaking to you about something or someone. I will refrain from sharing my long list of confirmations and opt for only a few. As my admiration for him grew, I prayed that Chris would let me know if he had developed any real feelings for me. They didn’t have to be romantic, but only enough to show that the emotional investment wasn’t one-sided. Imagine my surprise when a couple of days later, he told me that I had become one of his best friends.
Another one. When Chris and I first met, we had different tastes in communication styles. He preferred only texting. I didn’t. Although I liked him and our friendship, I didn’t want to compromise on that, so I prayed for God to give him the desire to talk with me over the phone. Meanwhile, I never suggested to him that we do so. For this, I was prepared to go the next several weeks just texting while simultaneously allowing my developing belief of marriage with this man to diminish if he never suggested that we talk over the phone. But that wasn't how the story played out. Literally, minutes after my prayer, he texted me and asked if we could video chat. I was stunned and joyous all at once for what appeared to be one of the fastest answers to my prayers that I had ever experienced! With this growing track record, I grew more optimistic.
“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12.
It’s easy to label those moments as coincidences, which is why I didn’t stop there. In my walk with Jesus, I came to learn that there will always be Biblical confirmation. I believed, and still do, that God’s Word is active. It didn’t matter how many times I had moments where my prayers seemed to be fulfilled. I genuinely respected the Bible, and without confirmation from it, I was still willing to let it all go. However, I didn’t have to let it go. As the Rhema words confirmed my marriage, so did the Logos word.
Many days and nights, I sat in my prayer closet with a Bible on my lap and sought direction. In my pursuant, I would often gasp at the similarities that I would find between my situation and people in the Bible. One of the first was Joseph, whose story is found in Genesis 37:1-50:26. Like Joseph, I had received a vision from God about what would one day take place. His story was comforting, and it reminded me that I wasn’t alone… Someone else had been given the same challenge to stand in faith and he was blessed after holding on.
Everything seemed to be going well. My prayer time seemed well spent. Our conversations continued to flow, including the laughs... and flirting. I was simply smitten at this point. But eventually, our chats, although rich in quality, became slightly less frequent. I didn't think much of it until I noticed that Chris was spending quite a bit of time with his new study partner, who happened to be an attractive young woman. After some time speculating and begging God that I be wrong in my assumption, the grand reveal happened... he was in a new relationship.
What was a lovely relationship reveal for Chris, was a nightmare for me. I was hurt. It didn't make sense that right after God revealed and "confirmed" that Chris was my future husband, he would be in the arms of another woman, whom he had met only a few weeks prior. Instantly, I sat with this confusion in prayer. Surely, something in His Word could explain my question to God: Why is my future husband in a committed relationship with someone else? In the same fashion as before, but this time with more confidence that I could accurately perceive God's answer, I approached the Lord about it. And remarkably, the answer came swiftly: Intercede. One of the first Bible stories that I related to in those beginning moments was the story of Ester.
Ester
"Perhaps you have been chosen for such a time as this." This famous phrase derives from Ester 4:4. I've always thought the idea of being the perfect fit for the task at hand was honorable and comforting in such a competitive world. But when you unpack the book of Ester, you'll see more than just a woman who was right for the assignment.
King Ahasuerus was married to the beautiful Queen Vashti. However, after a disagreement, Queen Vashti dishonored the king's command. King Ahasuerus consulted with his royal council and decided that the best course of action was to replace her as queen. The search for the next queen brought forth Ester. Throughout her beatification season, Ester gained favor among the court, and when it was time for her to meet the king, she quickly gained his approval. "And the king loved Ester above all the women, and she obtained grace and favour in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti." Ester 2:17. But Ester had a secret: she identified as Jewish.
A lot transpires throughout the story, but the pivotal point is when Ester approaches the king on behalf of herself and the Jewish community, which was a very risky and dangerous task. In preparation for it, Ester sent out instructions for the Jews to pray and fast from food and drinks with her for three days before she approached the king. Near the end of the story, God showed Ester favor and provided a solution to save her community. Her entire story can be found in Ester 1:1-10:3. Ester is remarkable. Not only because of her beauty and strength, but her brave heart. She is remembered for her willingness to face peril for the good of her people and her boldness to be an intercessor. As I read about this woman, I saw myself in her. After all, I was willing and bold too. In seeing myself, I saw the answer to my prayer: Intercession. So, I prayed for him. I prayed for the life that God willed for us to share. There were countless prayers I offered to the Lord on his behalf, and despite the unfortunate turn of events, I tried not to let it bother me for the sake of being faithful.
Other details stood out to me about Ester's story. When Queen Vashti was ousted, this theme of "Removal of the Counterfeit" became evident to me. And this wasn't the only place. Months later, I came across another well-known story, this time in the book of Genesis. Many of you may be familiar with the story of Jacob and Rachel... and Leah. Genesis 29: 1-26. When Jacob fell madly in love with a woman named Rachel, he worked out a deal with her father, Laban, to work for seven years for her hand in marriage. Motivated by his love, Jacob stayed true to his commitment. After the seven-year work period, Jacob finally got to marry his beloved. However, there was a problem: At the last minute, Laban slipped Rachel's sister, Leah, into the wedding ceremony without Jacob's knowledge.
"The counterfeit comes before the real thing."
If you have ever sat in Christian circles while discussing relationships, I bet you've heard this saying at least once. And it's true. The enemy specializes in mimicking God, so it's textbook for him to send a counterfeit right at the most opportune moment. As Chris shared small details of his new relationship, it took no time at all to realize that they were a match not made in heaven. Regardless of the few bible study sessions he described having with her, sin was foundational in their relationship from the outset, and she appealed to the weakest areas of his flesh. To me, it made perfect sense. She was the counterfeit standing in the way of my promise. Despite my attempt to grow in discernment, I failed to see this as anything other than a test of my faith, and being the fighter that I am, I geared up with prayer and the Word as my weapon. "As a wife, I'll have to face spiritual battles on behalf of my family. I suppose this is just part of my preparation." And for my future husband and best friend, I was more than willing to do my part.
The Counterfeit Blueprint
As we live our lives and face trials and temptations, the enemy pays close attention to our character, personality, and desires. He studies us. As a young woman in college, I began to put the puzzle pieces of this trick together. I remember the first guy I dated almost a decade ago. We talked, laughed, and generally enjoyed each other's company. But there was one major area of constant dissatisfaction: he wasn't a man of God. He believed in Christ, but he just didn't have a genuine interest in growing his relationship with Christ. This was a point of contention for us that eventually led to our breakup. One year later, I began talking to a handsome young man and felt the jitteriness of a budding romance. Among my favorite qualities about him, the best was how he seemed to love the Lord... or so I thought.
Interestingly, I wasn't the only one familiar with him. A close friend of mine knew him quite well, and she told me true stories about him that were the polar opposite of what he portrayed himself to be. As it turned out, he was a fraud and the furthest thing from a blessing. I couldn't believe that I had gotten so close to being thrown off course by a man who was using the name of the Lord to emotionally abuse women. But what made him so appealing to me? The first thing he showed me was his interest in God... which is what my ex lacked. Since then, I have come across the same script. I get wounded in a certain area with men, and the next guy to pursue approaches me with the very tools to fix the area of disappointment from the previous guy. The caveat is that he requires some type of sinful sacrifice in order to seal my connection with him. Our pain, disappointments, and challenges often serve as the blueprint for the counterfeit. Therefore, when we are healing, it is important to work on our spiritual and character development so that we are not easily swayed by the tricks of the enemy.The list of confirmations goes on and on. Here, I'll admit a huge mistake on my part. As I continued to faithfully wait on Chris, I was routinely affirmed in my stance through many YouTubers and their uploads about the return of the "Prodigal Spouse." I'm not one to suggest that God won't talk to you through various means, including YouTube, but I implore you to proceed with an abundance of caution. Not every message is meant for you, so before coming into agreement with it, ask the Lord if His will for you aligns with the message.
As I listened to women discuss their visions and messages about their future husbands, I was encouraged by our similarities. So many of us seemed to be going through the exact same thing at the same time. One YouTuber in particular, I adored because her uploads came in tandem with my private appeals to God. As someone on her first major journey of standing in faith, I took this as a huge sign that God was allowing this woman to speak life into what appeared to be a lifeless situation. Her uploads were for her general YouTube community, so she wasn't speaking directly to me. Yet, her messages would almost perfectly align with God's messages to me. Quite literally, I would pray about a certain topic, and her very next upload would address my question or revelation with great accuracy. It seemed like God was answering my prayers in the easiest (and fastest) way, and the affirmation that Chris and I would be together one day was always the same. As a result, I continued to stand boldly in my faith for a marriage with him.
Months went by. I prayed and prayed, but he seemed to fall deeper in lust for his girlfriend. I watched as she became more integrated into his life. Then, there was the fight. He and I had a terrible falling out from which we both still have not reconciled to this very day. Then eventually, years went by. I continued to believe that the promise was still mine, but it just hadn't yet materialized in my life. Meanwhile, Chris moved on with his.
Despite my growing lack of understanding, my prayer life strengthened. The beautiful thing about prayer is when you invest in it, you will eventually see a return. The Holy Spirit reveals Himself in one way or another, whether you perceive it immediately or later. With much time spent petitioning God for clarity on my marriage promise, I began to notice other areas of scripture that illuminated a very different message... and outcome.
"The blessing of the LORD makes one rich, And He adds no sorrow with it." Proverbs 10:22.
In my Bible, Proverbs 10 is titled "The Proverbs of Solomon," and it appears among several verses of wisdom. At the time, I was still shedding fresh tears over the loss of my friendship with Chris and the pain of waiting for someone who gave absolutely no indication of interest in my life. I was miserable. Depressed even. With the exception of a few positive moments of encouragement, I was constantly in a state of sadness, bitterness, and anxiety. While meditating on this verse, I pondered, "If this man was sent by God to be my husband and add value to my life, why am I here crying over how awfully he treated me?" Although this verse discusses finances, God's blessings extend past mere monetary riches. If he were truly a blessing from God, then why thoughts of him felt like a curse?
Which brought me to my next observation: the lack of peace. This one was simple. The doubt, insecurity, and frustration did little to foreshadow a Christ-centered marriage. A Christian marriage is designed to represent the church's relationship with Christ, which is why the Bible uses marriage as an analogy for the church's reconciliation with Him.
"...And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6.
The Prince of Peace. This is one of my favorite titles for Christ. His appearance provides peace amidst even the craziest events of life. Just think of when Jesus quieted the sea. Mark 4:35-41. As the winds and waters raged, Jesus slept. After He was awoken by His disciples, He rebuked the winds and said to the sea, "Peace, be still." In the presence of Christ, you will find peace. As I evaluated my marriage promise, that missing staple caused real concern.
At this point, I still wasn't completely convinced. What if I was in a Romans 8:18 transition, and I would eventually be so overwhelmed with gladness at the new and improved man that I'd have no thought about the hurt I'd experienced before? Drifting through my Bible, I came across yet another scripture with such a powerful lesson, it kept me up at night.
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them." Matthew 7:15-20.
In this season of discernment, those scriptures stopped me in my tracks in the most uncomfortable way. As Jesus cautioned His disciples about false prophets, it became apparent to me just how much He loved using parables as a teaching method. Parables are universal in helpfulness because the lessons apply in a variety of situations. In His own words, Jesus said, "By their fruits you will know them." Digging a little deeper into studying, the book of Galatians highlights the Godly fruit that believers are to show.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23.
In essence, the product of a person's actions, whether it be the fruit of the Spirit or not, reveals the honest position of that person’s heart.
Then came the dreadful part: admitting the reality he showed versus his potential. Early in our friendship, Chris gave me his story about how his faith journey had led him to celibacy... shortly afterward, he started back having sex. He portrayed himself to be a gentled-hearted man who cared about others but in the end, he refused to apologize for his offenses toward me. At one point, he told me he loved me, but he later wouldn't make amends after the argument. Much like the false prophets, his words were not validated by his actions. Over the course of several months and leading up to our inevitable argument, he didn't display the fruit of the Spirit. There was no evidence of the self-control he preached. He was very unkind in his dealings with me and when given the opportunity, he chose not to pursue peace through a simple apology. Despite his sweet words, it became very clear that he didn't practice the love he spoke about. Acknowledging this side of the coin was disheartening.
As I came to terms with who he truly was, it registered some confusion in my faith walk. Remember the Tyler Perry movie, "Why Did I Get Married"? In the film, three couples go on a trip to reconnect and remind each other why they chose to get married many years ago. There's plenty of drama that unfolds in the storyline. To deal with the ups and downs of married life, one of the wives suggested that the ladies make pros & cons lists about their husbands to determine whether the marriages were worth fighting for. Similarly, I started to create my own pros & cons list about the marriage promise with Chris that I believed God had shown me.
As I stared at my Bible, I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. There was biblical confirmation on both sides. At moments, I would be reminded of Ester, Joseph, Gideon, Jacob and Rachel, and many of the other biblical figures that taught me the importance of patience, intercession, and faith. I even considered how standing in faith for our future marriage increased my wisdom about marriage. With all of the time spent learning about becoming a Godly wife, I took it as a sign that Chris' influence in my life was positive, so perhaps I had heard correctly concerning our union.
Then came the cons. The overwhelming sadness and lack of peace were contrary to scripture and did little to further convince me (and my loved ones) that he was a blessing meant for marriage. Regardless of how much Chris talked about wanting to live a righteous lifestyle, he simply didn't have the fruit to show for it. Not to mention, years had passed since our fight, and much like Saul, he never repented for his actions.
In my dilemma, I had the marriage promise in one hand and an unmet expectation in the other. Should I keep standing in faith for him, or should I let it all go? After much time spent asking this question, it was as if God opened the floodgates of understanding, and the answer set me free.
Principle vs. Occurrence
The Biblical confirmation was strong both in favor and against the marriage promise, yet there was a difference. The confirmation that he would eventually become my husband was based on single occurrences in the Bible, whereas the confirmation that he was not husband material stemmed from Biblical principles. Oxford Languages defines a principle as "a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning." For a truth to be "fundamental," it must have the ability to apply in multiple situations. Therefore, biblical principles are not restricted to the isolated instances we read about in scripture, which is why we can and should apply them to our lives. However, single occurrences in the Bible serve as examples of what has happened and could happen again, but they are not necessarily guaranteed. The encouraging stories of Gideon, Joseph, Ester, Jacob and Rachel, and many others are singular occurrences. There are principles embedded within these stories, but in my case, they did not translate over into my hope for a marriage with Chris. Yet, when I studied the fruit of the spirit, peace, God's blessings, and genuineness vs. fakery, I came to understand that these teachings could apply in multiple scenarios, including mine. After careful consideration and a moment of truth, the principles revealed that Chris was not someone I needed to continue spending my faith on... for us, marriage would not be in the picture.
After peeling back the layers of biblical principles, one of the most important concepts I came across was free will. It's no secret that for every single decision we make in life, God gives us the freedom to make a choice. Even from the beginning, Adam and Eve could decide whether they would walk in obedience. That's an exercise of free will. In the context of choosing a life partner, it's easy to lose sight of this simple, yet imperative principle.
"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." 1 Corinthians 7:39.
This is worth emphasizing. We are free to marry whomever we want, so long as they are in the Lord! And just as we have that choice, so do our future spouses. This is important because, without that understanding, it can be easy to misinterpret the exercise of choosing another life partner as disobedience. Will God give His input on who we should marry? I believe so. Marriage not only affects nearly every aspect of our lives: It is an important staple in the Christian faith. Like anything else, I believe God wants to, and often does, give His input on who our spouse should be based on His understanding of our life purposes. However, I do not think God commands us to marry a certain person. If that were the case, the choice wouldn't be freely ours as Paul writes in the above scripture. Thus, choosing to wait for another candidate isn't a sin.
At the time, I didn't understand this discrepancy. When God first gives us a vision of a potential spouse, how often do we stop and think, "It may not happen." Provided that the vision is truly from God, it's fair to say that such a happening is very much conditional on our choices. I will be very honest right here: It frustrated me once I realized this, and I quibbled with God about it. "What was the point in meeting him? Why even let me fall in love with someone that You knew would never feel the same way about me?" As much as I would love to know every single reason behind the outcome, I'm not completely sure. However, I left with greater knowledge and understanding about God, marriage, and myself. Although I do not have the husband I anticipated, the lessons are the evidence of my faith.
The Prodigal Spouse
In Luke 15:11-31, Jesus tells the parable about a young man who leaves his father's home to squander his inheritance until the point of ruin. After hitting rock bottom, he humbled himself and decided to go home to his father. His father was so happy for the return of his lost son, that he received him with open arms and threw a celebration in his son's honor. Through this journey, I noticed the message of the "prodigal spouse" trending among many Christian women who were believing God for a husband. Like the Prodigal Son, the Prodigal Spouse references the celebratory return of a spouse or significant other who had turned away from unconditional love for a season to pursue fleshly desires. Throughout this season of my life, the story of the prodigal son ran rampant throughout my prayers and thoughts. The message of humility, repentance, and forgiveness emulated the very characteristics I prayed would encapsulate our reunion. As I held on tight to the promise, messages about the return of the "prodigal spouse" inspired me and reminded me that I was not alone in believing for my prospective husband. Most tended to conclude that persistent prayer and patience would lead to the same beautiful reconciliation if it be in God's will. However, these messages would often promote the wrong line of reasoning.
Although it is true that prayer and patience can get God's attention, I don't believe that necessarily means that the "prodigal spouse" will return. After all, that person still has a choice to make. When reading about the Prodigal Son, I eventually asked myself, "Where is the turning point? When did the Prodigal Son earn his place in the story?" The Prodigal Son made the biggest change when he decided to return to his father's house. His willingness to humble himself and admit that he was a prodigal to his family is the reason why he is still relevant 2,000 years later.
Likewise, the decision of the prodigal spouse is just as important to the outcome. A prodigal spouse can't be received unless he first returns. Many Christians are waiting for and expecting the return without consideration for the prodigal spouse's right to decide. Unfortunately, the reality for some people will be that, although the prodigal will remain with God, he or she may not come back to your life.... and that's okay. In that case, pray and push forward. As for Chris, I don't know whether God ever spoke to him about me, but I do know that he made his decision regardless. And out of respect for his right to decide, I pray that God be with him... and I'm moving forward.
As someone who cried a lot of tears in coming to this realization, I'll admit that it was hard to see other women give testimonies where they married the men God showed them. Although I would be happy for these ladies and comforted by their increased faith, it hurt that I couldn't share in their delight with a testimony of my own. Was it that my faith wasn't strong enough? Should I have prayed different prayers? Should I have acted differently when he and I were friends? Should I still be waiting? Was there something special about these women that allowed them to walk into their God-ordained marriages?
Let's revisit the story of Joseph. In Genesis 40, Joseph meets two men while in prison: the cupbearer and the baker. One night, the cupbearer and the baker had dreams. The men knew that their dreams were meaningful, but neither could interpret them. The next morning, Joseph saw that they were worried, so he offered to interpret their dreams. Joseph interpreted the cupbearer's dream first and gave him good news regarding his release from prison and reinstatement of his job. For both dreams and interpretations, read Genesis 40:9-19. What I would like to focus on is Verse 16.
"When the chief baker saw that the interpretation was favorable, he said to Joseph, “I also had a dream..." Genesis 40:16.
At this point, the baker took confidence in the cupbearer's redemptive interpretation, so he approached Joseph with his dream. However, as Joseph soon revealed to him, his dream had a completely different meaning. Rather than a positive interpretation of restoration, the baker's dream was symbolic of his impending death. I imagine that the baker was very disappointed to learn the true meaning of his dream, especially after hearing the cupbearer's interpretation. Yet, the dream and the interpretation served a purpose. As Prophet Lovy mentioned in one of his teachings, the baker's dream was likely to encourage him to repent of his sins before his death.
Your situation may be like someone else’s, but that doesn't necessarily mean you will receive the same outcome. Whether your result is "positive" or "negative," seek the truth in it and listen as God speaks to you about your unique circumstances. The beauty in the baker's dream was that it was still a message from God meant to prepare him for what was coming because that was how much God cared about him. I could easily take a negative view of my relationship journey and conclude that I often have received the short end of the stick. However, with that mindset, I would miss what God is teaching me in this season... and I don't think that tradeoff is worth it. Personally, I want to know all that God has to say to me about marriage, love, and Him.
I thought long and hard about how I wanted to end this blog. As much fun as it can be to end on a perky note, I want to be authentic in my reality. Honestly, my thoughts and feelings are in two different places at times. I'm very glad that I didn't end up married to a Christian narcissist, but I had hoped for so much better from him and for us... so it's bittersweet. However, I have found so much comfort in sharing my story and I pray that it has been helpful to you.
There's so much more to be discussed on this topic, but I will emphasize only a few things in closing. First, take time to intentionally heal if you have been through relationship trauma. I don't know what all Chris experienced that caused him to have such a fragile ego. In prioritizing his pain, I don't think he considered how romantic manipulation could harm something as serious as another's faith. Heal and let the truth prevent that pitfall. Also, if ever you find yourself believing that God is showing you a specific person for your Kingdom marriage, seek wise counsel.
"Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." Proverbs 11:14.
Although you may have blind spots when dating, your wise counsel will not. Consulting wise parents, pastors, married couples, and the like is a part of dating due diligence. Having the guidance of a trustworthy man or woman of God will help you navigate the falling-in-love experience far better, especially from a faith perspective. Godly wisdom will lead you to a Godly marriage. With that, I can close this chapter of my life... peacefully and with gratitude. And truly, I Thank You Lord for the lessons, growth, and hope.
Shay L'Amour